Purim g&s 2013

Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
Long ago, in the land of Persia, in the city of Shushan, lived a very rich King whose name was Ahashuerus. He was a foolish King, who spent most of his time in the palace giving parties and singing songs. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of his majesty’s voice.
I AM A PERSIAN KING
(from Pirates of Penzance)
AKHASHVEIROSH:
My name is Ahashuerus the KingThe ruler of Persia and everythingOver countries large and smallOne hundred and twenty seven in allFrom Hodu all the way to KushMy will I never have to pushAnd I’ll be true to this song I sing!I’ll live and die a Persian King! For I am a Persian King!And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Persian King!For I am a Persian King! AKHASHVEIROSH:
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Persian King! It is!Hurrah for the Persian King! Hurrah for the Persian King! AKHASHVEIROSH:
So wonderful to rule my landAnd Haman’s here as my right handHe’s a smart and handsome young guy(That’s what he says and Haman don’t lie!)Now get me Vashti, my fetching QueenThe fairest anyone has seenAnd make her dance and prance for meAnd for anyone else. who wants. to see! Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
For I am a Persian King!And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Persian King!For I am a Persian King! AKHASHVEIROSH:
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Persian King! It is!Hurrah for the Persian King! Hurrah for the Persian King! So the king invited his Queen, Vashti, to come to a banquet at the palace. Vashti refused! King Ahashuerus became very angry and sent her away from his Kingdom forever.
Ahashuerus held a contest to choose a Queen. He called all the maidens in the country to appear before him. A Jewish man named Mordechai brought his young cousin, Esther, to the palace to enter the contest. Her Jewish name was Hadassah, and was named after a prominent women’s group in Shushan. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of Esther’s voice.
MY NAME IS HADASSAH
(from H.M.S. Pinafore)
My name is Hadassah -- but folks call me “Esther,”Though I could never tell why,But still I’m Hadassah, my name is Hadassah(or Sweet little Esther am I!) I’m Jewish and pretty, and all through the cityof Shushan I’m thought of as cute!I heard that the king is in need of a queenso I’m dressing up in a swimsuit! My uncle (that’s Mordy) he wants me to partyand strut my stuff before the kingA guy who asked Vashti to bear all her bodyto strangers--I hope this is right! Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
For I am Hadassah, a nervous HadassahI have to admit I am shy;But Mordy knows better, I’ll loosen my sweaterand show to the King I’m all right! Ahashuerus thought she was the most beautiful, and chose her to be his new Queen. Mordechai warned Esther not to tell the King that she was Jewish.
One day, when Mordechai came to visit Esther, he heard two of the palace guards plotting to kill Ahashuerus. Mordechai told Esther, and Esther told the King. The King’s officers arrested the two men. The story of how Mordechai saved the King’s life was written down in the Royal Diary. This may or may not be an important plot point. I’d err on the side of “important.” So let’s all remember it, shall we? The chief minister in the King’s palace was a very wicked man whose name was HAMAN. All the people in Shushan bowed down before HAMAN except for Mordechai, who refused, because Jewish people worship only God. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of Mordechai, reminding us of how good a Jew he was. I AM THE VERY MODEL OF AN UPRIGHT JEWISH PARAGON
(from Pirates of Penzance)
MORDECHAI:
I am the very model of an upright Jewish paragonYou’ll never see me walk outside without a head covering onAll animals that I consume must chew their cud and split their hoof I have a fence around the parapet that sits upon my roofI’m very schooled in Torah, Mishnah, Talmud, and the Midrash, tooYou probably won’t find a better educated clever JewJust ask me anything you want to know about the Shatnes rule,(bothered for a rhyme)It’s all about a garment that you make with linen and with wool! It’s all about a garment that you make with linen and with wool!It’s all about a garment that you make with linen and with wool!It’s all about a garment that you make with linen and you make with wool! MORDECHAI:
I’m very good at teaching both the bar and bat mitzvah studentsOn Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur I’m real good at my repentsOf all the Jews from Istanbul to Egypt, Persia or San Juan,I am the very model of an upright Jewish paragon Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
Of all the Jews from Istanbul to Egypt, Persia or San Juan,He is the very model of an upright Jewish paragon MORDECHAI:
In fact, when I know what is meant by “halakha” and “b’rakhot”When I can tell you gory details about Bar Kokhba’s revoltIf Misnagdim and Hassidim get muddied up inside your brainI am the guy that can precisely make your n’shamah shaleimWhen I have learnt what progress has been made in modern Jewish thought,When I know more of Abraham and Sarah and their nephew, Lot.
In short, when I’ve a smattering of Kabbalistic mystic rites,(bothered for a rhyme)You’ll say a Jewish paragon is better than the Amorites! You’ll say a Jewish paragon is better than the Amorites!You’ll say a Jewish paragon is better than the Amorites!You’ll say a Jewish paragon is better than the Amo- Amorites! MORDECHAI:
For my Talmudic knowledge, though I’m nebbishy and pasty, too,Remember I’m a Persian and I’m also an observant Jew,Of all the Jews from Istanbul to Egypt, Persia or San Juan,I am the very model of an upright Jewish paragon Of all the Jews from Istanbul to Egypt, Persia or San Juan,He is the very model of an upright Jewish paragon Because Mordechai wouldn’t bow down before him, HAMAN was rather perturbed. He also wasn’t a fan of The Pirates of Penzance. It was then he vowed he would kill Mordechai and the rest of the Jews. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of HAMAN. A MORE INSANE DICTATOR NEVER DID IN SHUSHAN EXIST
(from The Mikado)
A more insane dictator neverDid in Shushan exist,To nobody second,I'm certainly reckoned Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
A true egocentrist.
It is my very insane endeavourTo make, to some degree,Each Jewish zealotinto a fellah who would bow down to me.
My object all sublimeI shall achieve in time —To make this Mordecai tow the line —This Mordecai tow the line;And make Judaic folk bow(Unwillingly anyhow!)To see the greatness within me now!The greatness within me now! This Jewish race that worships their GodIn Hebrew (how absurd!)They don’t understandHow great that I amThey are so ill-mannered.
This one they call “Mordy,” who’s crazy behaviorJust makes me mad as heck,I’ll make sure to insurethe fate of his futureremoves his head from his neck! And as for the rest of his Hebraic peoplethat refuse to follow my rulethey’ll soon comprehendthat they’ll meet with their endWhen I tell to the King they’re all fools!I’ll tell Ahash how these Jews do offendthe rule of Persia on highThe Jews will all sufferthe tougher and rougherpunishment from this here guy! (Ha! Ha! Ha!) My object all sublimeI shall achieve in time —To make this Mordecai tow the line —This Mordecai tow the line;And make Judaic folk bow Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
(Unwillingly anyhow!)To see the greatness within me now!The greatness within me now! His object all sublimeHe will achieve in time —To make this Mordecai tow the line —This Mordecai tow the line;And make Judaic folk bow(Unwillingly anyhow!)To see the greatness within him now!The greatness within him now! HAMAN asked his magicians to select a day to kill the Jewish people. They used “purim” or “lots” which were magic numbers, to select just the right day. They chose the 13th day of the Jewish month of Adar.
HAMAN told Ahashuerus that the Jews did not obey the King’s laws and should be killed. The King agreed to issue a Royal Order to destroy the Jewish people. HAMAN had gallows built so that Mordechai could be hanged.
When Mordechai heard that he and his people were in danger, he went to see his cousin Esther, the Queen. He begged Esther to try to change the King’s mind. Esther was afraid. She knew that no one was allowed to visit the King without permission, but she realized that she alone could save the Jewish people. She agreed to go. Mordechai told her to pray for courage. For three days, Esther did not eat or sleep. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of someone imitating Esther. NIGHTMARE SONG
(from Iolanthe)
Death, on our doorstep, robs me of my rest.
Oh, helpless me, my ardent soul is frightenedGuilt, Jewish like, lies heavy on my chest,And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers! REST OF NIGHTMARE SONG AS WRITTEN BY G&S (cop out!!--ec) On the third day, Esther went to the palace. When the King saw his beautiful Queen, he stretched out his. golden sceptre! and invited her to come in. Esther approached the throne. The King asked her what she wanted. Because she did not wish to make the King Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
angry, she did not tell him her real reason for coming. Instead, she invited him to a big banquet, and asked him to bring HAMAN.
The night before the banquet, the King had trouble falling asleep. He called his servants and asked them to read aloud from the Royal Diary. He heard how Mordechai the Jew had saved his life! Aha! That plot point from way back! I knew it would come in handy! He asked if Mordechai had been rewarded for his bravery and was told that he had not.
Just then, HAMAN came to see the King. Ahashuerus asked HAMAN how he would reward a brave and good man. HAMAN, thinking that the King wished to honor him, suggested that the person be dressed in the King’s royal robes and crown, and led on the King’s horse through the streets of Shushan. The King liked this idea, and ordered HAMAN to carry out his own plan, but to honor Mordechai. HAMAN was very angry, but did as the King ordered. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of Haman muttering to himself.
WHEN A MINISTER’S ENGAGED IN HIS EMPLOYMENT
(from Pirates of Penzance)
When a minister’s engaged in his employment When I’d rather see my one day in the sun Oh this Haman’s lot is not an happy one Oh! When he’d rather see his one day in the sun, in the sunOh this Haman’s lot is not an happy one! Happy one! I had thought the King was talking about hon’ring But it seems this Mordechai guy has just foiled Any plans of mine to wear the Royal Bling Oh I can’t wait for Adar thirteen to get here Oh this Haman’s lot is not an happy one Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
Oh! When he’d rather see his one day in the sun, in the sunOh this Haman’s lot is not an happy one! Happy one! That night, the King and HAMAN came to Esther’s banquet. The King saw that Esther looked very unhappy. Because he loved her, he promised her that she could have anything she wanted from his whole kingdom.
Esther told the King that a wicked man was planning to kill her and the rest of her people, the Jews. The King became very angry, and demanded to know who the wicked man was. Esther pointed to HAMAN.
The King ordered that HAMAN be killed immediately. HAMAN was hanged on the gallows he had built for Mordechai. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of everyone rejoicing at Haman’s demise.
WE KILLED THAT MAN
(from Pirates of Penzance)
We killed that man who threatened all the JewsHe is no more, and that’s really good news!Down with Haman, he was no good at allQueen Esther saved all of us, one and all! And now it’s time that we rejoiceSo everybody raise your voice! Come, friends, it’s Purim timeLet’s drink a l’khayim! Make sure it’s not mayim!It’s time to dance and singHaman’s dead, a real good thing! Come, friends, it’s Purim timeLet’s drink a l’khayim! Make sure it’s not mayim!It’s time to dance and singHaman’s dead, a real good thing! We killed that man who threatened all the Jews!It’s written in the Megillah--it’s real good news! Purim a la G&S (Musical lyrics by E. Contzius; The rest of the text I found in my office without attribution. Oh well!)!
The King appointed Mordechai to take HAMAN’S place as chief minister, and dressed him in royal robes of blue and white, with a great golden crown. The Jews were very happy to be saved. On the 14th day of Adar, they celebrated with great feasts and banquets. They sent gifts of food to their friends and to the poor people throughout the land.
Mordechai told them that each year, on the same day, they should celebrate to remember how the Jewish people were saved from HAMAN’S evil plot. The holiday became known as Purim, after the magic numbers or lots that HAMAN’S magicians had used.
Mordechai became a great man in the palace of King Ahashuerus, and did many good things for the Jews. If we listen closely, we might be able to hear the dulcet tones of our finale.
THE MEGILLAH IS FINALLY DONE
(from The Mikado)
We read and we chantedWe breathed and we pantedAnd in the end all the Jews won! And Mordy and Esther are free.
And now it is time to rejoice With groggers and singingand maybe some drinkingIt’s time now to raise up your voice And now it is time to rejoice—Joice-joice!It’s time now to raise up your voice—Voice-voice!And now—HamentaschenYou cannot just nosh oneYou cannot just nosh oneThere are lots of good flavors you’ll see!There are lots of good flavors you’ll see!They’re really delish, delish you will see!They’re really delish, delish you will see!Blueberry, strawberry, raspberry, All for me! —FIN—

Source: http://tinrtorah.wikispaces.com/file/view/Purim+G%26S+2013+CONTZIUS.pdf